Dog days.


Links:
More on Free Hugs, a little news piece from down under
Pastoral ideals are getting trampled as organic food goes to market.

Mad Cravings - these women make the most fantastic yummy cakeballs; I picked up some at the Farmer's Market. OH YES. Yes. OH GOD! YES! YEEESSS!

Oh yes... they are THAT good.

Waaaa! I'm lonely. And it's not like I've been alone; social events have peppered the last few days. Regardless of the caliber of the people, however, it pales to the connection with my number one. *sigh* That loneliness is a beautiful thing, however, for it knows it will soon be quenched. Tonight we hung onto the phone, sharing nothing but silence for a long time. "It sounds so high school, but sharing this silence together is better than nothing." He agreed.

Today is a day of cleaning house, both physically and metaphorically. Not to mention I've spent hours listening to archives of This American Life; it's an NPR show I've actually never heard in its entirety before.

Thanks to the help of a friend and his succinctly put comments ("You're really fucked up right now.") I realized something.

I'm not who I want to be. And it's only my fault.

For the past few months, perhaps longer, I've been this person getting deeper and deeper into my own shit, and it is, for the most part, things that I've generated or prolonged due to, of course, staying in the middle of them. While everyone goes through periods and moods, I do not want to be the type of person who walks around with a cloud above their head, appearing to the world needy and seeking. That's where I've been heading. I wasn't like that, usually -- and I don't want to be like that. Rather, I want to be the type of person that people will say, when I'm gone, that they were somehow positively touched by me, my laughter, my exuberance, my verve.

The answer is as simple as getting over it. Doing what you need to do. Choosing happiness. Focusing on joy. Realizing, truly realizing, that control is an illusion, so fear of losing it is borderline crazy, for to fear losing something you've never had is rather pointless.

I cannot control. The best I can do is anticipate, react, and stay open to the wonderful opportunities that life presents us, even should they come along in very unattractive packages.

This tails right into being in the moment. If we cannot control, we also have less ability to forecast, so worrying about tomorrow, next month, ten years from now is rather pointless as well. Again, anticipating and proper planning now is one thing -- putting a focus down the line is not.

Be here, now, always.